Anaia Lei'lani Jolie' , MS
" I am because you are; I am because we are". Ubuntu is oftentimes explained in terms of communal, institutional, and/or broader societal interactions.
Principles of Ubuntu can be applied to interpersonal societal interactions including platonic and romantic relationships. Most of our lifetimes are spent in close interpersonal relationships with romantic relationships oftentimes being our most challenging social interactions. Ubuntu principles, can help us understand the oblique relationship between partner connection (unit cohesion or division), the interconnection between unit cohesion and partners health and wellbeing.
Diagram 1.1
Interconnection
(Connection/Division)
Partners Partner
Unit
(Output : Energy)
Each partner comes into the relationship with strengths, weaknesses, present circumstances, and personality traits shaped by various environmental and genetic factors. Partners come together and create units that successfully or unsuccessfully produce positive energy.
The connection becomes oblique when the energy created, whether negative or positive; then bounces back to affect each partner and that partners individual wellbeing. The affected well-being is physical, emotional, vocational, family, communal, etc. The perpetual cycle becomes an identifying energy that if not broken will lead to the decay or growth of all other factors around the unit.
How Ubuntu fits into The Relationship Unit
First, the very interpretation of Ubuntu speaks to the nature of a good relationship. A relationship is a consist of two people forming a partnership that enriches the lives of each other. In order to do this, partners must love, respect and communicate with the other. Oftentimes, those concepts are easier said than done. Conflicts arise, problems in life make emotions run rampant, coping skills lack, illness, lack of role models etc all make relationships difficult between individuals.
The first principle: " I am because you are"emphasizes the connection between the partners. In therapy, I ask partners to began by stating this fact aloud to each other. Then I ask them to explain it's meaning individually. This affirmation helps us to assess two things:
1). Each partner's level of selfless or selfish bess, leverage within the relationship, and patterns present. This is based on their answers ….are they more Me or We or Him/Her Focused. Example: I am brilliant because she helps me. Or We work great together because she is smart and I am fast, etc.
2). Their general understanding, openness, and comfort level with relinquishing control of the idea of Oneness outside of individuality and their understanding of the phrase.
If there are problems in understanding here, we then began to discuss relationship structure. I use the House Method. Foundation, Fortitude Walls, Inside Warmth/Shared Secrets, Roof from Storms. Prepare a diagram of a house. List how your relationship was built or will be built in each phase.
Then, move on to another Ubuntu principle of Empathy and Compassion.
In order to treat another human being the way that we wish to be treated, we must first understand How They Feel.
In this Exercise, each partner can tell a story and have the other express how he or she thinks that their partner felt in the story.
Then, the storyteller and story interpreter roles will reverse, and so on. Through this exercise, partners learn to place themselves on the shoes of the other partner (empathize).
Self Control & Emotional Maturity
Stories can not be personal attacks nor automatically taken as personal attacks. The focal point is to show Your Partner Compassion Not Yourself.
By exercising Self control and learning not to take things personal, Partners learn Self Control for the Greater good of the relationship. This Self Control enables each partner to be heard.
Silently, the therapist notes each time a partner *takes a shot* and the other partner does NOT return the favor. This shows the therapist the emotional maturity of each partner individually. Further, the de escalation or escalation is evaluated based on engagement (whether each partner answers a shot). This exercise reveals Self Control and Emotional Maturity within the Relationship. It illustrates whether this unit can function in cohesion for the greater good. It also aids partners in exercising Self control and Mood regulation for business, child rearing, etc.
Charity/Contribution
Another Ubuntu principle is charity in unison with contribution. Naikan Reflection is a Japanese method of self-reflection. In this exercise, each partner ask themselves in private 3 questions once a week:
What have I received?
What have I given?
What troubles have I caused?
The aim of this exercise is to cultivate your natural desire to help and care for your partner. This is a private exercise to keep each partner thinking of their contribution to the unit.
Each partner practice charitable behavior and attentiveness. This helps partners with individual grounding, concentration and gratitude.
Forgiveness
Gracefully Forgiving and knowing how to apologize only strengthens any and all relationships. It releases physical, emotional, stress and tension and negative energy.
Exercise:
Acknowledging – Whether you have hurt your partner willingly or unwillingly, you can begin an effective apology by taking responsibility and acknowledging the relevant offense. Demonstrate that you recognize your responsibility by “I” (“I messed up…” or “I am at fault…”). Acknowledge who has been hurt, as well as the nature of the transgression itself.
Give an explanation for the offense – Explain both that you never meant to hurt the other person and that it won’t happen in the future. This worksheet also provides tips on how to distinguish between excuses and explanations for an effective, meaningful apology.
Express your remorse – Naturally, we feel regret and remorse amongst other feelings when we hurt another person. Expressing the emotions that you feel – such as humiliation, shame, embarrassment, and so forth – can help your partner understand your recognition of the mistake. For example, “I feel really bad about what happened. For days I have felt embarrassed about how I let you down”.
Make amends – Follow up your verbal acknowledgment and apology with actions that aim to fix the damage caused. Talk to your partner and see what they might consider a good reparation for the damage to your relationship.
Punishment/Shame
Ubuntu philosophy here rests in the idea that your humanity or shame is as great as my own. If I dehumanize another then that makes me too un human. I think, treat therefore I am….
A partner who dehumanizes does not see themselves as human...this is a deeper spiritual problem. Rehabilitation is possible according to Ubuntu. It is my personal advice that we recognize when it is safe to partake in that rehabilitation and when it is something that the individual must do alone with the help of a therapist, doctor, family, etc.
The Oblique (Circular) Effect
Each interaction between partners produces positive or negative energy. Energy build up affects partners emotional, mental and physical. Partners output into the world around them. The universe responds (sometimes no matter how much positive you emit, negativity comes from other sources in the universe….your response will be better with more positive energy on your side).
Our partnerships are mini versions of community. They represent our most intimate form of community and provide us with one type of paradigm of strength or weakness within our psyche. Serious implications follow our interconnective relationship units. We are also responsible for how our units shape and prepare us for broader society. Ubuntu provides a model of intimacy focusing on empathy understanding, reparation, unity, and love.
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